Iams Adult Minichunks Dry Dog Food

Dad

I saw this one online. Thought it looked good. Your first reaction?

Boldo

The bag smells industrial. Like someone vacuum-sealed a chicken processing facility and then added iron powder. Not terrible. The kibble pieces are small, which is fine. I reserve judgment.

Dad

Okay, you've been staring at it for ten minutes. What's the verdict on smell?

Boldo

It smells consistent. Meaty but in a calculated way. Not like actual meat—more like meat memory. The smell doesn't fade when you dig into the bowl, which is something. Also, is that the cat getting fed in the kitchen? That sounded like salmon.

Dad

Now that you've actually used it — what do you think?

Boldo

The pieces are easy to chew. No struggle. Texture is fine—not hard enough to be interesting, not soft enough to be insulting. I don't feel like I'm eating a brick. My breath smells like beef broth afterward, which is acceptable. Could be worse.

Dad

The cat hasn't touched it. Does that mean something?

Boldo

The cat won't eat dog food anyway. That's not a test. The cat eats her special fancy stuff and judges me for having standards lower than hers. But look, I'm eating this every day and I'm not getting sick, so that says something.

Dad

Rate it. One to five. You know what the ones are.

Boldo

Three. It does the job. I eat it. I feel okay after. No surprises. No disasters. It's food. Not going to complain about having it in my bowl, but I'm also not getting excited when I hear the bag open. It's reliable. That's the best thing I can say about it.