Purina Beggin' Strips Dog Treats

Dad

I got this for you. What's your initial read?

Boldo

It smells like bacon and regret. Not my regret—yours, for waiting this long to buy them. I want one now.

Dad

Let's talk smells. That always comes first with you.

Boldo

The smell is strong. Not natural bacon—chemical bacon. But my brain doesn't care about the distinction. It just knows bacon. The scent comes through the bag, through the kitchen, probably through the walls. I can smell it from the other room and it's distracting me from everything, including the fact that you're still talking.

Dad

You've been weirdly quiet about this one. What's going on?

Boldo

I'm torn. The texture is mushy, which is fine, chews apart fast. But something about the aftertaste feels artificial in a way that makes me suspicious. Like I'm being tricked into thinking this is food. Do you have any other treats in the pantry? I smell something in the kitchen.

Dad

Does it matter that the cat seems indifferent to it?

Boldo

The cat is an idiot. She walked past the bag twice without interest. That actually makes me respect the strips more—they're made for dogs, not for cats to steal. She can keep her fancy feast cans.

Dad

Give me a rating. One through five. You know what the poos mean.

Boldo

Four. They smell incredible, taste fine, and I'd eat thirty of them if you let me. You won't, which is annoying, but that's not the treat's fault. They do exactly what they promise. Just don't expect me to stop asking for more.